There are two kinds of arseholes in the world: wankers and idiots.
Wankers piss you off on purpose. Idiots piss you off by accident.
Wankers piss you off because they enjoy not only watching human suffering (they have extremely well developed schadenfreud), but they enjoy causing it in the first place – it adds an element of power to the entertainment.
Idiots are just plain stupid. Idiots are careless and awareless. They have no self-awareness and screw up your plans, your evening, your career, your hair, your suit, your order, just because they don’t have a good brain.
Both sets of arseholes lack the faculties, the human qualities, of sympathy and empathy: knowing how another feels or trying to know, concern for others, compassion, whatever you want to call it.
Of all the times your life is made that much more annoying, unbearable or just shite-house, you will find almost all of those events were the direct result of the intention of a wanker or unintention of an idiot. Either way, most of your misery and suffering in life has been and will be the result of your interaction with wankers and idiots. It is not the case that the bulk of your suffering was or will be caused by accident, fate, coincidence, natural disaster or psychological over-sensitivity to external stimuli.
The few times in your life that wankers and idiots are not the genesis of life-shite, you can put it down to your own deficiencies or acts of god.
The fact that you say you don’t care what other people think or do, or that other people don’t affect you at all, has no bearing on the matter at all. Not feeling heart-surgery does not mean you’re not having it. Many of us walk around aneasthetised to the environment and its surrounding pillocks. Whether you are thick-skinned or not, wankers and idiots are still going to f**k your life up. How you respond to that is a different matter.
The wanker and the idiot are the two types of human being most responsible for the greater proportion of human suffering and misery throughout history.
The bearers of such qualities need to be identified and held accountable, publically rebuked, punished and bred out.
If societies wish to reduce human suffering within their communities, they will need to come down hard on wankers and crush idiots. The first step is awareness and identification, which is the purpose of this blog topic or blopic.
To aid in the identification process and to help you understand the subtleties and intricacies of wankership and idiotism, I have provided a 'wine list' of arseholes below - the particular blend and a short description:
The Delivery Idiot
I took the morning off from work to wait for the delivery guy to return our washing machine, which had had a broken thermostat replaced. After a couple of hours, two yobbos turned up in a delivery van.
We walked around the house to decide the best approach for manoeuvering the machine from the van to the laundry. Finally, we decided on a course of action. I followed them back to the van. The delivery guy opened up the van, climbed in and then started scratching his head.
He looked at his clip-board and looked at the fridge and furniture in the van.
He then said, “Ummm…”.
I said “What’s wrong?”.
He said, “I think we left your washing machine back at the shop.”
I paused and tried to process the information. Their job is pretty simple in theory. Take stuff from the shop and drive it to people’s houses. They were probably instructed on the intricacies of the concept of ‘delivery’ near the beginning of their employment... say, the job advert, “Delivery Drivers Wanted”.
Had they missed a lesson? Or, was there something I was missing? Some complexity the general public was not aware of? Was the science of washing machine delivery more prone to the uncertainties of metaphysical anomalies than most of us had ever thought?
I pondered on Plato’s account of Socrates' Delivery-boy Dialogues. Nothing. Or was it Descartes, I deliver, therefore I am… forgetful. Again, nothing. After concluding from common-sense that these guys were just stupid, I shook my head and walked back inside with the delivery idiot promising to go back and get my washing machine.
Post Script: After finally installing the washing machine, we had to call in the repairer because they had replaced the thermostat, but forgotten to connect it.
The Call-Centre Wanker
[thick Hindi accent] Hello, my name is Steve. Can I start with your customer reference number please?
Hi Steve. Oh, sorry Steve, but I'm not sure which Steve I'm talking to. Can you first give me your call-centre reference number please?
Can you give me your name please, Sir?
Yes. My name is Mr John Smith.
Thanks, John.
That's Mr Smith to you, Steve.
Can I put you on hold?
No.
Thank you! (hangs up)
The Office Wanker
The Unspoken Rules of the Office:1) Never, ever, fart at work, unless in a toilet or outside.
2) I'm not really interested in your weekend, I'm just being polite. Don't go on about it.
3) Always try not to shit at work. Regulate your bowels for Christ's sake. It's disgusting!
4) Stop being nosey! I don't feel like telling you my hopes and dreams.
5) Stop going on about yourself. You're not that amazing. Write a book about yourself and go fucking read it!
6) Before you leave for work in the morning, look in a mirror. Would you wanna see that all day?
The Cinema-going Wanker/Flick Idiot
Kicks the back of your seat.
Conducts a full-scale conversation and commentary throughout the movie.
Thinks they're still in the cafe'.
Generally Noisey Wankers and Loud Idiots
Wankers and Idiots are partially deaf.
Part of what makes a wanker a supreme arsehole is their ability to produce noise. Think about it. Think of all the occasions where you have been disturbed by loud noises in any situation:
- Cars breaking heavily, spinning their wheels, over-revving, tooting, cell phone conversations and loud ringtones, public arguing, nervous tapping, sniffing, scuffing, laughing and jabbering in quiet places etc.
Who is actually producing all this noise? Your grandmother? The Prime Minister? No.
Wankers and Idiots engage in the production of noise. They yell when they talk. They toot hello and goodbye to each other in their cars. They yell when they talk on their mobiles… because it's so quiet in restaurants, on buses and in cinemas. It’s so quiet, they think their listener can’t hear, so they yell over the deafening silence.
Shut up you arseholes! SHUT UUUUUUPPPP!!!
A Pack of Wankers
By himself, his behaviour would resemble that of a 13 year-old choir girl walking through a bikers' bar at midnight on Friday... But in a group of friends, he is the sexiest, most bullet-proof, awesome God-man that ever crawled the earth.
A Pack of Wankers is a universal, interdependent collective of F-wits that operates as one individual wanker. The glue that holds the pack together is proximity - get one of the little shites by himself and he'll fold like a cheap suit.
The Idiot Driver
Tail-gaters.
Head-lights on during the sunny days.
Births right for a left turn.
Indicates only by accident.
Races to the red light.
The Idiot Cyclist
"I'm driving a car!"
Rides in the middle of the road.
Cuts corners, through red lights, bounces from road to footpath.
Hey, Spandex-Man. You are not a car. But, I am driving one and her favourite colour is tomato puree.
The Idiot Rule-Follower
I’m sorry, Sir, but our policy is not to give out that information.
That has never been done before, Sir.
No-one has ever asked that question before, Sir.
Computer says, "No."
Queuing twice at the Post Office, because you've got to pick-up a parcel and post one: two different jobs, two different queues.
Zig-zagging through 20 metres of empty queue-maze to get to the cashier at the cinema. How dumb do you feel as everyone watches you take the longest distance between two points? I'm sorry, Sir, but you are going to have to queue.
Famous Wankers
Saddam Hussein. What a f**king wanker. Mass graves have been unearthed in Iraq since Saddam's reign and bespeak the horrors of his rule. Among the occupants of these graves are 100,000 Kurdish men, women, children and babies machine-gunned to death and nerve gassed during the 1988 Anfal genocide; 30,000 Shiites and Kurds slaughtered after the 1991 uprising; countless Shiites killed during the 1980s because of their perceived sympathy for Iran; genocide of the so-called Marsh Arabs, killed as the Iraqi government drained the marshes and destroyed a culture that had thrived for centuries; and many individual Iraqis of all faiths and ethnicities who were singled out, their lives ended, for real or perceived opposition to the regime. (source: Human Rights Watch)
Images: Saddam upsets photographer; Saddam authorising his cousin Ali Mazin (Chemical Ali) to murder 10,000 Kurdish men, women, children and babies with nerve gas bombs dropped into their villages in one morning.
Idiot Flag-burning Wankers
Terrorists: Wanker-diots
Terrorists are wankers. However, they are also bloody stupid idiots.
What kind of drivel-head thinks incinerating school children is one of the most proud actions a human can achieve, because some guy told him that God told him so?
This is where the seriousness of this blog comes to bear. We need to obliviate all signs of wanker and idiot behaviour, because it's actually quite lethal. Wankers and idiots kill and maim. Terrorists in the form the religious nut-jobs we have seen since 9/11 have made that fact abominably clear.
Terrorism is a marriage between idiots and the wankers who control them. Being stupid makes you more inclined to be led by wankers and used by them to satisfy their high-level schadenfreud. In terrorism, a pack of religious wankers gets another pack of religious and miserable, disaffected idiots to carry out their stupid ideology.
Infamous Idiots
George Bush. What a f**king idiot. But who’s worse? Him or the f**k-knuckle morons who voted for him? Twice?
George Bush won the US Presidency because most voters could relate to him: a straight-talking, poorly educated, know-nothing guy - a model of the average American voter. Instead of voting for their betters, Americans decided to choose someone who was just an ordinary guy like anyone else. What a pack of idiots.
This should start you on your journey to identify and deal with the worst scum in society. From here, you can commence your own campaign to rid the planet of wankers and idiots through whatever means works. I'm underway with my plan... the best of luck to each of us!
