What the F*** are You looking at! - A Treatise of Bogan Nature

This morning on some lame TV show, the issue of the 10 minute time-slot was "Where Bogans Live".

A list of the suburbs and towns where 'bogans' live in Australia was then displayed for the audience, in the same vein as Australia's bargain real estate locations for home-buyers.

Wow, I never knew Moe was a) a popular home for bogans, b) a bargain real estate location for home-buyers!

However, the term 'bogan' was, like most things on those retarded morning TV shows, insufficiently defined. I would like to improve that condition.

There is no one bogan; they come in a variety of nuances and shades. Bogans have also changed since over the centuries and decades. Once the VB swilling tradie averse to shopping as a vampire is to daylight, the modern bogan scuffs the halls of Westfield shopping centres in search of a Payless Shoes to match his Lowes dacks with a pair of good sandals. However, they do all share some common elements.

Firstly, the bogan can be identified by our reaction to them: e.g. a sickness in your stomach in their presence, an innate and primordial hatred and fear at their sight (you cringe), an apprehension that you should run because something very loud and uncomfortable is going to happen if you even make eye-contact, pity, and gratitude that you aren't that bad off.

Secondly, the bogan can be identified on sight, by their behaviour and appearance. However, it should be caveated that bogannic behaviour does not a bogan make. Bogans primarily accrue a number of identifying features, yet the items alone are necessarily, but not suffiently indicative of a bogannic presence: e.g. pov clothes, no self-respect, open disrespect of society, no self-awareness, loud speech, loud music, loud car, abusive, paranoid, poorly educated, ignorant, angry, suspicious, looking around at everyone else like a scared bird on the lookout for an attack and then pouncing into a rage over nothing.



Bogans are inherently violent. They are violent because they are made or born stupid. As a result, they are easily offended and sensitive to perceived attacks upon their person and their physical or mental vulnerabilities. Basically, bogans know they are weak mentally, socially and financially, so they make up for it with raw physicality. They also don't understand how societies work and fear the power of social institutions. They fear our success, our intelligence, our economic power, our understanding of the world. They fear our happiness. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to violence as a proactive defense mechanism - okay, so I added a twist to Master Yoda's dictum.

Then there are the clothes and hair-styles (using the term 'style' loosely): the mullet, the rats tail, the ugh boots, flannel shirts, track pants, good 'going out' sandals, moccasins and slippers worn to the shops to get your 50 pack of his and hers Holiday fags and cask of white wine.

If you are wondering whether the new neighbourhood you are looking at moving in to is a Bogan-hood, there are some things to look out for:


You may also want to observe for skid-marks on surrounding streets, graffiti and tags on fences, houses and animals, dead animals, broken glass scattered about, and people generally conducting indoor activities outside on the porch. Also, listen for the tell-tale 'doff-doff', people screaming, incessant barking and police car sirens.

A common greeting of the bogan is, "What the funk are you looking at, you funking wanger!" (where 'funk' and 'wanger' stand for swear words of similar spelling). This is not a question. It is a statement and the common response is to leave the area immediately.

Those with functioning ears will also be able to detect an impending bogan. A loud aggressive outburst of random words, mostly offensive, expelled into the environment will provide early warning. Find the nearest exit and use it.

The term 'bogan' is Australian, originally in common use pre-1900 and used by the Australian poet Banjo Patterson in his The City of Dreadful Thirst:

'We don't respect the clouds up there, they fill us with disgust,
'They mostly bring a Bogan shower - three raindrops and some dust.'

Here the use denotes a thing of poor quality. The term was used as an adjective before becoming the noun it is today. I often use an adverbial variation, which I coined, bogannic:

"The debate on whether the owning of greyhounds is bogannic or not is still to be resolved."

The bogan, like many other stereotypes in society, go by different names in different countries, and regions, but are essentially the same:

United States - White Trash, Red-neck
Britain - Chav
Australia - Booner (ACT), Chigga (Hobart), Westie (Sydney)


The most common types of Bogan in Australia are:

Stupid Bogan
Angry Bogan
Skank Bride-of-Bogan
Annoying Bogan
Useless Bogan
White-Australia Bogan
Super-Bogan (also Uberbogan, or Bogannis Rex)
Cashed-up Bogan
Under-cover Bogan

Things Bogans Like (thanks to the namesake blogsite):

Glamour Photography
Southern Cross Tattoos
Hugh Hefner
Weddings
Kings of Leon
Sexpo
Summernats
Cover Bands
Jimmy Barnes
Gallipoli
No Deposit, No Interest, No Repayments for 18 Months!


But some of the best to play with are:

Stupid Kids Names:
Acid
Axe
Avalon
Ayden
Brayden
Hayden
Jaydynn
Kaydyn
Ailee
Bailey
Cailey
Daley
Hailey
Kaylee
Leigh
Raeleigh
Aiya
Kaeya
Tayah
Hendrix
Brock
Harley
Davidson
Mackenzie
Maddison

Bogannic Malapropisms:

Hey, Yous! (for the second person plural, you)
The cops reprehended two auspicious blokes behind the pub.
Bazza was prostate on the ground after being glassed by Wazza.
I don't want to be an escape goat.




Lesson: If you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle - Sun Tsu

Death, Disease, Envy, Hate, Despair, Anguish - The Uplifting Stories of Aussie Soap Operas

What is going on with the obsession with death and misery on Australian TV? We Australians seem to have a morbid fetish, which would explain why the subjects of death, disease and dying are available for viewing on several regular "entertainment" TV shows, including soaps, life-style shows and fly-on-the-wall documentaries. The promos used during ad breaks often tease the viewer with a promise that "someone will die" on the next show. Is this healthy? Whether it is or not, it is certainly telling.



Here are some blurbs from "Home and Away" the iconic Aussie soap:

An idyllic scene hides the terror of the person held hostage on this boat.
– Mon 25 Jan 10

A tied-up Rachel wakes up on her couch to hear Reverend Hall crying and frantically praying for God's forgiveness.

Reverend Hall starts having a seizure on the ground and is raced to hospital. Rachel wonders if he has a tumour and thinks he can't be blamed for his actions.
- 4561. First episode for 2008: 30 Jan 08

Dom wakes up from his coma, but has he really changed?
- 4563

We see Reverend Hall in a car on a cliff by the sea, probably about to commit suicide.
- 4566

Henk explains he has just found out that he is HIV+. Is Cassie HIV+?
- 4568

Cassie's hit by a car and goes to hospital.

Cassie yells at Henk about being 18, pregnant and HIV+
- 4569

Miles tells Sally there’s a connection between them. He tells her how his wife and daughter were killed in the Boxing Day Tsunami. Sally tells him how she also lost her husband.
- 4570

That night, Miles has nightmares of trying to save a girl from drowning but can't.
- 4565

Miles explains his dad was a violent alcoholic. Miles says that one day their dad found out about a boating accident, which killed their mum and her new husband. Eventually, his dad died of alcohol-related dementia.

Jack calls Sally to tell her that Johnny Cooper has broken out of jail and he told some inmates he was coming back to get her!
- 4571

Jack explains to Sally and Ric that he's concerned that Johnny will come back. It's almost a year since Rocco died.

Cassie says she hates Henk now and doesn't want to see him again.
- 4572

Rachel tells them that they Reverend Hall has gone into a coma, there was another tumor and he is on life support. Rachel says he won't be waking up.

Geoff has had too much and knocks Aden out!
- 4574

In the middle of the night, Johnny turns up! He's got Colleen (screaming) and a knife to her. Suddenly Roman and Miles try to stop Johnny but Sally is stabbed!
Jack turns up and shoots at Johnny who is running away. He calls for backup.
Sally is taken to theatre in a bad way. Her heart stops... will she survive?
- 4575

Tom explains to Sally what will happen if she dies:
Miles returns to wandering as a homeless guy.
A depressed Colleen leaves the Bay to go to a retirement village.
Annie becomes a bad rebel girl dressed as a slut and hanging around a guy.
Cassie loses the baby in her grief.

Tom then tells Sally her return means someone else will be taking her place - someone else is doing to die.
- 4576

Annie is raced to hospital with alcohol poisoning.
-4578

Will a teenage road trip turn into the trip from hell?
Leah’s world comes crashing down as a phone call brings news of a dead loved one.
- 4579

Leah gets a call at the diner and drops everything: Dan is dead!
- 4580

Irene kicks Aden out of the diner and things get heated. Irene and him struggle and Aden falls, his injured leg hurt badly. In hospital, Aden says he will sue Irene.
- 4583

Everyone turns out in large numbers for Dan’s memorial.
- 4585

Mattie is captured by Johnny while Ric is in the shower while Sam watches on in horror. He ties her up.
Jazz comes home and finds Johnny in the lounge - he ties her up too.
Johnny sees Ric and picks up a knife! The two guys fight it out with punches while Sam just stands around in the spare room watching.
Suddenly Sam knocks out Johnny from behind with Rory's cricket bat.
Jack says she was incredibly brave. Johnny is taken to hospital - they're not sure if he will make it.
- 4586

Triplets - The Desire for a Verbal Threesome

Have you ever noticed that people tend to list in threes?

Listen to the next lists people rattle off, usually to conclude with or summarise. Advertisers, TV presenters and the more articulate victims of vox pop interviews are among the chief users of the triplet. But normal people also incline to trebling their conclusions, often ending their statements with a list of three issues, observations or comments:

"Looking for a healthy way to fill up the kid’s lunchbox? Well Fast Ed has the answer. His DIY muesli bars are nutritious, low GI and absolutely delicious!"

- Better Homes and Gardens

"...I just grew up listening to Jimmy Barnes, going to Jimmy Barnes concerts, I'm just a real fan, I really like his music."

- Mark Schwartzer (Socceroo) on why he likes his favourite artist.

"A year and a bit ago, I was flabby, over-weight and (it grieves me to say so) deeply unattractive."

- Stephen Fry on 'A Bit of Fry and Laurie".

"It's like a shammy, it's like a towel, it's like a sponge."

- The Sham Wom Infomercial.

Tripleteers seem to find that two items are simply not enough to ram home the core of their conveyance and four too many. Sounds reasonable. But as a believer in the theory that almost everything everyone ever says is formulaic, sheepishly copied verbatim from the status quo, it is more likely they use triplets to list and summarise because everyone else in their sphere of influence does the same.

For the more sub-consciously discerning conveyor of triplets, the appeal may include an appreciation for the aesthetics of speaking - the accidentally poetic aspects that all languages share in some form. The triplet offers a wonderful rhythm and the poetic finale' of a beginning, middle and end. The rhythmic form of the triplet is often comparable to the anapaest metre of the limmerick: didada, didada, didaa...

The rational tripleteer is probably aware of the audience's inability to retain/comprehend more than three pieces of information at a time.

There may also be a cognate relation between tripleting and the tripartite motto and the hendiatris, eg:

"Postera Crescam Laude", University of Melbourne

"Veni, vidi, vici", Julius Ceasar

"Liberty, Egality, Fraternity",

French National Motto

...and also with historic phrases:

"Father, Son and Holy Ghost."

"Hook, line and sinker."

"The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth."

...and even modern phrases:

"Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll."

"Slip, slop, slap."

"Location, location, location."

However, where the hendiatris is formal, designed and planned for, the triplet is informal, incidental and spontaneous. The triplet reveals a sub-conscious inclination to declare a threesome, driven by aesthetics, reason or because everybody else does.

Trucks Kill

"A 10-year-old girl has died in hospital after a collision between a car and tanker in the NSW Hunter region on Tuesday night.

The girl, a 44-year-old woman and three other children were rushed to Newcastle's John Hunter Hospital after their Ford Focus sedan collided with the tanker on the New England Hwy at Muswellbrook at 9.20pm (AEDT).

The crash is the second between a car and tanker in the past fortnight, and came just hours after a 19-year-old man and woman, and three-month-old baby, were killed instantly when their car slammed into a semi-trailer on the Newell Highway at Narrandera in the state's south.

Eight days ago, four people were killed in a fiery crash on the NSW south coast involving a petrol tanker and three cars."

(source: bigpondnews.com, January 06, 2010 » 12:40pm)

(image: google images)

I have been saying for years - mostly in private rantings at the suited talking manakins whom deliver the news on TV - that "trucks kill".

I first noticed the extroadinary number of truck-related traffic accidents in Australia way back even before 9/11. I wondered why no-one else ever talked about it, why the threat of trucks on our roads was never debated in the public domain and why this stupid practice wasn't consequently outlawed. Perhaps no-one had noticed?

I thought it my civic duty to alert the Australian public, so I planned to write to the newspapers and spark the debate on trucks. But then I was quite busy that week, so I'd do it the next week... After a while, I decided that I must be imagining things and trucks were not that bad.

In the last couple of years, the scourge of the roads has made a horrific come-back ("an" horrific is wrong, as the "n" is only added to ease the flow of two contiguous vowels in pronunciation, and since the "h" is not silent, there is no need for the "n").

Trucks are appearing the news almost every night and not because of their involvement in people smuggling or terrorism.

Trucks are dangerous with even the safest and most altruistic drivers simply because they are several tonnes of steal moving at high speed: force = mass x acceleration, you hit a Toyota Camry and you have a chance, you hit a truck and you're gone; when a truck driver slams their breaks on, nothing happens - the truck will continue to fly forward, slowing down only when it no longer matters.

This is a truck with a safe driver. The fact is, truck drivers themselves are not paid to drive well-rested and arrive at their destination as late as possible. Truck drivers are paid to get to their destination as quickly as possible - families are driving on a truck race track; they share the roads with a race between trucks whose drivers are drugged up, stressed out and sleepy.

The solution is at least conceptually simple: get trucks off our roads! We already separate cars from each other with traffic islands, concrete barriers and high-tension wire fences.

In 1994, the Swiss public voted to ban foreign trucks using their roads to cut across their country en route to France, Italy etc. Today, almost all Swiss freight is railed. Using trains to freight goods is not a new idea, but its genius lies in the separation of normal cars from stupidly huge vehicles (just as we (try to) separate pedophiles from schools and the poisons cupboard from the toy box).

The Swiss have the only true democractic system in the world, 'direct democracy', not this sham we call 'representational democracy', which is really oligarchy. Citizens of Australia Unite and Ban Trucks from sharing the same roads used by families! The Swiss only had to vote, but we shall have to use other means, such as protesting and getting really upset at the suited manakins that read to us each night.