What the F*** are You looking at! - A Treatise of Bogan Nature

This morning on some lame TV show, the issue of the 10 minute time-slot was "Where Bogans Live".

A list of the suburbs and towns where 'bogans' live in Australia was then displayed for the audience, in the same vein as Australia's bargain real estate locations for home-buyers.

Wow, I never knew Moe was a) a popular home for bogans, b) a bargain real estate location for home-buyers!

However, the term 'bogan' was, like most things on those retarded morning TV shows, insufficiently defined. I would like to improve that condition.

There is no one bogan; they come in a variety of nuances and shades. Bogans have also changed since over the centuries and decades. Once the VB swilling tradie averse to shopping as a vampire is to daylight, the modern bogan scuffs the halls of Westfield shopping centres in search of a Payless Shoes to match his Lowes dacks with a pair of good sandals. However, they do all share some common elements.

Firstly, the bogan can be identified by our reaction to them: e.g. a sickness in your stomach in their presence, an innate and primordial hatred and fear at their sight (you cringe), an apprehension that you should run because something very loud and uncomfortable is going to happen if you even make eye-contact, pity, and gratitude that you aren't that bad off.

Secondly, the bogan can be identified on sight, by their behaviour and appearance. However, it should be caveated that bogannic behaviour does not a bogan make. Bogans primarily accrue a number of identifying features, yet the items alone are necessarily, but not suffiently indicative of a bogannic presence: e.g. pov clothes, no self-respect, open disrespect of society, no self-awareness, loud speech, loud music, loud car, abusive, paranoid, poorly educated, ignorant, angry, suspicious, looking around at everyone else like a scared bird on the lookout for an attack and then pouncing into a rage over nothing.



Bogans are inherently violent. They are violent because they are made or born stupid. As a result, they are easily offended and sensitive to perceived attacks upon their person and their physical or mental vulnerabilities. Basically, bogans know they are weak mentally, socially and financially, so they make up for it with raw physicality. They also don't understand how societies work and fear the power of social institutions. They fear our success, our intelligence, our economic power, our understanding of the world. They fear our happiness. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to violence as a proactive defense mechanism - okay, so I added a twist to Master Yoda's dictum.

Then there are the clothes and hair-styles (using the term 'style' loosely): the mullet, the rats tail, the ugh boots, flannel shirts, track pants, good 'going out' sandals, moccasins and slippers worn to the shops to get your 50 pack of his and hers Holiday fags and cask of white wine.

If you are wondering whether the new neighbourhood you are looking at moving in to is a Bogan-hood, there are some things to look out for:


You may also want to observe for skid-marks on surrounding streets, graffiti and tags on fences, houses and animals, dead animals, broken glass scattered about, and people generally conducting indoor activities outside on the porch. Also, listen for the tell-tale 'doff-doff', people screaming, incessant barking and police car sirens.

A common greeting of the bogan is, "What the funk are you looking at, you funking wanger!" (where 'funk' and 'wanger' stand for swear words of similar spelling). This is not a question. It is a statement and the common response is to leave the area immediately.

Those with functioning ears will also be able to detect an impending bogan. A loud aggressive outburst of random words, mostly offensive, expelled into the environment will provide early warning. Find the nearest exit and use it.

The term 'bogan' is Australian, originally in common use pre-1900 and used by the Australian poet Banjo Patterson in his The City of Dreadful Thirst:

'We don't respect the clouds up there, they fill us with disgust,
'They mostly bring a Bogan shower - three raindrops and some dust.'

Here the use denotes a thing of poor quality. The term was used as an adjective before becoming the noun it is today. I often use an adverbial variation, which I coined, bogannic:

"The debate on whether the owning of greyhounds is bogannic or not is still to be resolved."

The bogan, like many other stereotypes in society, go by different names in different countries, and regions, but are essentially the same:

United States - White Trash, Red-neck
Britain - Chav
Australia - Booner (ACT), Chigga (Hobart), Westie (Sydney)


The most common types of Bogan in Australia are:

Stupid Bogan
Angry Bogan
Skank Bride-of-Bogan
Annoying Bogan
Useless Bogan
White-Australia Bogan
Super-Bogan (also Uberbogan, or Bogannis Rex)
Cashed-up Bogan
Under-cover Bogan

Things Bogans Like (thanks to the namesake blogsite):

Glamour Photography
Southern Cross Tattoos
Hugh Hefner
Weddings
Kings of Leon
Sexpo
Summernats
Cover Bands
Jimmy Barnes
Gallipoli
No Deposit, No Interest, No Repayments for 18 Months!


But some of the best to play with are:

Stupid Kids Names:
Acid
Axe
Avalon
Ayden
Brayden
Hayden
Jaydynn
Kaydyn
Ailee
Bailey
Cailey
Daley
Hailey
Kaylee
Leigh
Raeleigh
Aiya
Kaeya
Tayah
Hendrix
Brock
Harley
Davidson
Mackenzie
Maddison

Bogannic Malapropisms:

Hey, Yous! (for the second person plural, you)
The cops reprehended two auspicious blokes behind the pub.
Bazza was prostate on the ground after being glassed by Wazza.
I don't want to be an escape goat.




Lesson: If you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle - Sun Tsu